The Morning After

It’s all so very surreal. Yesterday was such a stressful day anticipating the exam and the exam itself went so quickly that today it just doesn’t feel real. Okay, the fact that I really did sleep with my belt last night – I wasn’t letting it go – holding it clutched tight in my hand and seeing it first thing this morning did help to solidify that the whole thing wasn’t a dream. But it still doesn’t feel quite real. I don’t feel any different today than I did yesterday, or a week ago. It really is very odd. And not odd at all. I believe it all goes back to my original premise that reaching black belt is just the beginning of the journey.

I am so excited to take my first few steps on that path now. The magnitude of what I have to learn is just amazing. I can’t believe that anyone looks to me to teach when I realize how much I have to learn, but I am very happy to impart what I have learned so far.

What I was most unprepared for last night were the emotions that coursed through me, not during the exam but afterwards. I was so focused on what I could have done better, what I would change if I could do it again and the disbelief that I had finally attained my goal. I was really unprepared for the amount of tears that I shed. I shed them before I got my belt, standing waiting for the presentation, while I was shaking Shihan’s hand and while I fumbled with tying my new belt. I really shed them when I got home. I think it was probably fifteen years ago that I first put my gi on – I took a long break to work and have my son and returned – but to want something for that long and finally get it, I suppose I should have expected to feel emotional.

It was amazingly awesome to receive such support from those around me. Family and friends have been a wonderful part of my journey, always encouraging me each step along the way. I owe a very very special debt of gratitude and thanks to my extraordinary husband and son who never complained about the long hours away spent in the dojo as I trained and to my instructors, especially Shihan Taylor who nudged, prodded, and beat me up along the way to make myself a better student. There are no words to express how I feel this morning or to really thank them for what an amazing gift they have given me.

I’ve watched numerous black belts through the years get their belt and quit training. I must admit, this morning I’m even more puzzled by that than I ever have been before. I absolutely cannot wait to get in the dojo and train again. Wearing the belt makes me want to train even more. If I can get to this point, what can I do if I train even harder? Maybe I just have karate coursing through my veins, I don’t know. But what I do know is one day – in the very distant future – if I my vision of the future is true I’m going to be that old woman out on the mats that can still kick up to her head, do an impressive spinning back kick and hold my own against the young kids in the dojo. And I hope that I’ll be able to give back to karate as much as its given me so far.

I still can’t believe I did it.

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